


Forty Too

by CapriStar (OneDer)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 42 3RACHA, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Broken compass 3RACHA, Developing Relationship, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by-, M/M, Minor Character Death, Open to Interpretation, Other, Platonic Soulmates, Slice of Life, soulmates in this world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26224009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneDer/pseuds/CapriStar
Summary: "He was our direction. Without him, we're just a broken compass."The pair finally penetrated the fragile tension surrounding them- atmosphere shattering in the best and worst way possible. Out there somewhere, a wall between them had been demolished.Changbin just chuckled bitterly. His voice took on that hazy quality again, as the sun's rays were blocked behind the leaves of Chan's tree. Head propped up against the firm trunk, Changbin spoke."Spinning into oblivion, going round and round in circles until we tire ourselves out. And one day, stop all together."
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Bang Chan/Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	Forty Too

**Author's Note:**

> TW:
> 
> \- Implied depression.  
> \- Implied/referenced suicide.
> 
> ~
> 
> This is pretty short and a little metaphorical... I never write angst so I'd love to know what you all think :) Enjoy reading xx

Spring had come early- Jisung thoughtlessly observed- lying in complete relaxation under the tree in the yard. Although it was only late February, it was warm enough for Jisung to tie his blazer around his waist, uncaring of the wrinkles and grass-stains. Or shrug off his school jumper, ignoring the disapproving gazes of his teachers. He lay in near-silence, fringe brushed off of his forehead, under the seemingly ever bloomed cherry tree. Chan's tree. With the only sounds the occasional chirp of a bird, or sweep of a gentle breeze, Jisung felt content.

  
"I've been thinking."

  
Melodic voice melting into the surroundings, Jisung easily parted the air of tranquility. He rolled slightly to face his attuned companion, grass soft against his back.

"That's new."

The sun lit Changbin's face in such a way that the hint of a smile could be spotted. He was reclined on his blazer for comfort, head tilted now to face Jisung. He lethargically reached a hand out to cover his eyes, blocking the too-bright rays of the sun.

"Dick."

Jisung laughed, lightly pushing Changbin away from the protective shade of Chan's tree. The latter groaned, making no attempt to return to his previous position, instead remaining sprawled out under the clear, blue sky. He eventually found his way back to Jisung, who had been waiting patiently.

"What about?"

Changbin asked, mischievous tone immediately gaining back its calming sobriety. A sound reserved for these days under the cherry tree.

"...Life, I guess."

Jisung sighed, unable to smile. It had been a long day, maybe too long a day.   
Changbin turned fully towards him, frown visible on his lips. After studying his friend for a second, the student rolled back, facing the delicate flowers littering the branches above.

"Are we following money, security, stability? Or are we chasing a dream that's forever out of our reach?"

Changbin said it almost dreamily, as if the somber sentiment was a first draft of some new lyrics rather than a point in conversation. He played with a fallen petal on the ground beside him, eyes not quite meeting Jisung's own watching ones.

There was silence for a few seconds, broken only by a quiet sigh.

"Chan knew. He always knew."

Changbin finally met his friend's gaze, surprised at his words. Jisung took it as his cue to continue.

"He was our direction. Without him, we're just a broken compass."

The pair finally penetrated the fragile tension surrounding them- atmosphere shattering in the best and worst way possible. Out there somewhere, a wall between them had been demolished.   
Changbin just chuckled bitterly. His voice took on that hazy quality again, as the sun's rays were blocked behind the leaves of Chan's tree. Head propped up against the firm trunk, Changbin spoke.

"Spinning into oblivion, going round and round in circles until we tire ourselves out. And one day, stop all together."

  
—

  
"We should make a pact."

Changbin looked up from his homework, intrigued. Leaning back in the undeniably uncomfortable chair, he faced his excited friend, ignoring the dull ache of his back after hours hunched, perfecting an uninspired (at best) flow of lyrics.

"A pact?"

Changbin watched as his company nodded giddily. He had already lowered his headphones to the desk, directing his full attention towards his best friend since forever. It would have been wrong to call them childhood friends, though.  
Chan had always believed that they harboured the type of once-in-a-lifetime connection that would infinitely keep them together; red strings of fate (the ones that Changbin could never bring himself to believe in anymore) pulling them all close with a force stronger than coincidence.   
Changbin could remember one of those endless nights in the shitty, cramped studio that the three had fashioned out of Jisung's bedroom. It had to have been 5am. Everyone was exhausted, frustrated and Changbin could feel tension in the room reach boiling point. Their friendship had never been too shallow for anger. It had never unravelled due to the combined irritation of three short tempers. Looking back, Changbin would never regret their arguments at the studio. They had only served to strengthen the bond of who- at that point- had been almost strangers. Changbin would never forget Jisung's words on one of those all-nighters in their make-shift booth. 'I think we're meant to be.'

Changbin had always thought of them as three almost-strangers, brought together by a love for music, and three lifetime-companions, remaining together with a love for each other.

"If we're both still single at 40, let's marry."

Changbin also liked to think that he knew Jisung pretty well. As well as anyone. Jisung's parents, though loving, had never experienced his multiverse of sides. Not like Changbin had. And yet he could never have predicted that.

He chuckled in slight amazement. Jisung was truly a mystery.

"Wow Jisung. At least take me to dinner first."

"I'm sure within the next 20 or so years, I'll manage it."

Two lifetime-companions, remaining together with a love for each other.

  
—

  
Until June, the temperature had been steadily rising. The clouds of Winter were practically dissipated and the sun was beaming along with Changbin's mood. 

But recently, the weather seemed to hit a sudden dip in inspiration. Everyday was a sort of limbo to Changbin. The days were long but the sky was grey and the clouds too wide and encompassing for sunlight. It left Changbin with nothing to focus on. Nothing to pull his attention away from what he could easily name the hardest time of year.

It was 3 days away.

Just thinking about it made Changbin feel suffocated. It was as if the very red threads that had brought them together were tightening mercilessly around his neck.  
It was impossible to take a step around the school that he had once believed a safe haven without this persistent, heavy darkness following right on his heels.   
Jisung had been smarter; avoided school altogether. He'd said he had a fever. Neither of them believed that. But Changbin played along anyway, collecting work and sending cheery text messages.

The cheery text messages had always been Chan's job, and shit that hurt to think about. But Changbin put on a brave face and went about his day. If he couldn't deal with this, how would he fare in three days time?

  
—

  
Jisung remembered a day about a month after it happened. It was the darkest he'd felt since he first received the call. He hadn't gone to school; unable to face the empty words of sorrow from people who didn't know, or care, or understand. He didn't want to hear the abrupt silence of classrooms when he walked in or the barely concealed whispers as he and Changbin meandered aimlessly along the corridors. It was selfish, leaving the latter alone there. But he honestly couldn't move his body up and out of the comforting stillness of his covers. It was a welcome break.

And there he was again, nearly a year later, cowering indulgently beneath his duvet. No one believed his fever story. He hadn't expected them to. He just needed some time to himself, time to gain the courage to brave reality. 

Three days before he'd have to show his face again. Three days he'd treasure.

  
—

  
Changbin had expected his eyes to be dry. Thought he'd be numb to the pain. He wasn't.  
They were lying underneath Chan's tree, little recollection of how they had ended up there. At the base of the trunk stood a new stone; shining and pristine, unlike the old one, which had been corroded over the Winter months. 

  
Christopher Bang

October 3rd 1997 - June 6th 2014

A loving and beloved son, grandson and friend to all who knew him.

  
Changbin could feel his companion's hands shake in his tight grip. He was sure he was no better. June the sixth had to have been the coldest day of all Summer. Changbin supposed that the best he could ask for was someone by his side during the bitter winds.

"I wish we were 40."

"I wish we were 40 too."

  
—

  
"I don't want to marry you when we're 40."

Jisung looked up from the latte he had been nursing in surprise. 

"Changbin?"

Unsure of the sudden statement, Jisung met his friend's intense gaze. Changbin had asked him to meet at their favourite coffee place out of the blue. And who was Jisung to refuse, even on such a grey, Autumn day. It was a prime opportunity to bring out his collection of long coats.

Changbin sighed.

"I don't want to marry you when we're 40. Because of some meaningless pact. I want to love you right now- because I choose to. We're both here, living and breathing. I don't want fate to decide if we get to become us. I don't want someone 'second-best' changing our destinies forever. I don't want to wish my life away, waiting until I'm 40 to actually begin. I want this, right here, right now."

Jisung could only watch, somewhat dazed as his soulmate softly interlocked their hands over the table. 

"Han Jisung, will you go out with me?"

  
—

  
Something went wrong from there. Jisung didn't know what; couldn't pinpoint the exact problem, if any. It took him three months of this swirling discomfort to finally uncover the reason for his feelings. The pair had been walking down the road of shops; usually bustling, now barren. It was to be expected at 4am. The dim glow of street lamps and flickering sparks from shop windows were the only lights guiding them. A black car swerved dangerously close to the two, sending an involuntary shiver down Jisung's spine. Changbin barely flinched. The silence was heavy, Jisung didn't know how to break it. He didn't bother.   
This route was pretty sub-standard for the two. School was to the right, just past a corner shop that was nearly holding on. The park was a sharp left from the tattoo place which never seemed to be open. 

They went left.

They could barely see Chan's tree as Changbin dragged the pair towards the heart of the field. It was illuminated dimly by one of three streetlights. One was completely gone, the other flickering. No one cared enough to fix it.

"Jisung."

"That's me."

Jisung chuckled lightly, trying to alleviate the crushing tension over them. Changbin didn't respond, his expression grave. 

"What is it?"

He grasped Changbin's hand, a silent show of comfort.

There was quiet for a few seconds (although it felt like an eternity). 

"I've been thinking,"

"That's new-"

"Shut up."

They laughed, Jisung breathing a secret sigh of relief as the second streetlight temporarily righted itself. Calming glow illuminating his boyfriend's face. 

"What do you think is the meaning of life?"

"How am I supposed to answer that?"

Jisung grinned, dropping dramatically onto Changbin's lap. Looking up, he could watch the pink blossoms of the tree swaying beautifully in the night breeze. Changbin let his head fall against the sturdy bark of the tree. 

"That fucking hurt."

Jisung scoffed before turning his head to face Changbin.

"42?"

"Fair play, Sung."

  
—

  
I don't really see the appeal of these notes. I mean, how am I supposed to fully encompass everything I want to say to everyone on one piece of paper.  
Shit I think my biro is running out. Kind of a terrible reason for a short letter, I know.

I̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ I̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶  
Y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶w̶o̶  
This is hard.  
I'm so sorry. I'm being so selfish. So fucking selfish right now. You two always made me feel like I was this responsible, selfless leader. And that was selfish of me too. I played this role for my own fucking satisfaction. So that you'd look up to me and want me around because if you didn't I think I would've done this a long time ago. God I'm so sorry. I'm leaving you two alone. I'm sorry.  
I've felt this way for years. Probably since the beginning of time. This world was never right for me. I'm being selfish again. All I ever think about is me. If either of you two ever did this, I don't think I could continue. But you have to. You have to keep on living.

Fuck I'm crying.

I don't want to die.

But I want to.

That doesn't make sensae. Maybe I have to? I have to.

I love you two so muhc. I'm so sory I'm so so sorry. Fuck I cna't fucking spell and I'm so sorry.

Please forget me.

Chan

  
—

  
"Don't think you're alone."

  
Tension was palpable in the air. The night sky hung heavily over the three, coating them in an undeniable sensation. It was velvet; making strides impossibly slow and monotonous. Muffling their gulps of air and the busy sounds of city life. Like velvet- it was regal and almighty. If Jisung were to move an inch, he'd break the spell. 

He didn't want to.

However, the other's statement still hung above Jisung's head like a cloud. It was staring down at him from some sky-high place, laughing at him. Mocking him.

People leave, they trickle away like water down the drain.

I'm alone.

"And why would I think that?" He sounded fake and scared, even to his own ears.

A dry chuckle sounded from the boy in front of him. It was bitter, hoarse from sobs. The noise did nothing to dampen the thick, humid night-time air. Nor did it suspend the dense, velvet blanket keeping them from the world.

"Me."

Jisung found his gaze slowly heading upwards. From the dry, cracking earth beneath him to the dark, glazed eyes of the boy who had been something akin to family for him. Family... and then even more. Jisung didn't know exactly when it had happened: the lines were blurred. At some point, Chan had become more than a best friend. 

His first love.

He glanced to his right where Changbin stood. Confident, proud Changbin. A force to be reckoned with. An unwavering presence in his life. Just that glance filled Jisung with impossible steadiness.

"You're dead, Chan."

Chan smiled, although bitter pain seeped through the cracks in his facade.

"I guess you're not here to beat around the bush."

"Am I ever?"

Jisung saw Chan's lips upturn before he woke up. It felt like letting go. And Jisung loathed that.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all gained... something? from reading this. It seems not perfect but it was challenging to write so I'm glad that it isn't just sitting in my notes anymore. Comments are appreciated!! Have an amazing day everyone.


End file.
